Seven Rounds of Headache

The title may sound like something in English, but actually it's a term in Indonesian, "Pusing tujuh keliling" which means being totally confused.

You may be thinking, "What are you so confused about, Mey? You almost end your university life!"

Yeah, that is exactly why I am confused.

I don't know why, but trouble has always been a friend of mine. When I'm under stress and being depressed, trouble is the only thing that keeps me a company. They'd come in large numbers to play with me during such times.

Like in this current moment.

I haven't finished my thesis yet (the deadline is tommorrow), my rent house period ends by the late August 19 (and nobody told me about that! Gee what a great housemate I had there), the electricity fee - which is about 500k - hasn't been paid yet (I've asked them to pay for times I can't count! I've paid my part, yet I am the one to be chased after by the house-keeper to pay the electricity fee and all those stuffs), not to mention several other things that makes me think that it's useless for me to keep on living in this world :(

And I'm currently living in the BF's house, which - without I have to say - is filled with boys. I'd really prefer to temporarily stay in my friend's room at dormitory, but her room is filled with 3 people already. The hardest thing ever for living in other's place is to feel that you don't contribute anything, then you start to feel guilty and do some things to "pay" the guilt feeling.

And I think I've had it enough to pay all those guilt. I'm tired for not being able to do the things I want to do, I'm tired of thinking about others while my selfish self demands me to think about myself, and I'm so tired of everything.

I never miss home this bad... I don't care anymore if I have to be separated from the BF for a very long time because of being home, I'm just so tired and could really use all-day sleep without anyone disturbing. Really wish that this thesis could wrap itself up, so that I can go home ASAP.

Ouch

I've been hindering my parents for so many times lately. I don't call them as often, don't come back home for probably a month already, and even in my birthday yesterday, I didn't call my Mom.

Go on, call me the disobedient daughter or what, but I don't feel comfortable in talking with them. Moreover through the phone-call. I feel I've been guilty in every single thing that I do, that I never have satisfied them as a child, never have made them happy.

I know that it's not true, that they love me despite every mistake that I've done, but their way of treating me states otherwise.

Saying simple things like, "I found a new great beauty good!" would end up in me being interrogated and feeling that I have done something really-really bad. Like, "Oh my, you keep on buying, buying and buying. Your Daddy works hard for the money, you know."

Gosh.

All I want is to share something that I feel great telling about, and I want to share it with you. Not being blamed and judged. And duh... If you're not happy in seeing me using the money,  just don't give it to me, that simple. That is the main reason why I start working and earn my own money, actually. To be able to use the money without thinking would I hurt others in spending that.

Being misjudged and mistreated in such way, I gradually stop telling them things. I start doing things behind their back, things that they would never be agree about. I start care less about them. I start living on my own, away from them, just to get away from all the problems back home. I start to have thoughts on my own, thoughts that are 180 degree different with the one they taught me to think about.

I start to hate them.

Oh God, there I said it. I know I wasn't supposed to hate my own parents, and that I will never be able to 100% hate them. Yet that exactly is what I currently feel.

And yes, it has brought me to the worse self of mine, but what can I do? The culture in this place where I'm living in, forbids me to say whatever comes in mind about parents. Problem is, keeping thoughts makes me sick.

I sometimes cry long and loud in the middle of the night, thinking what would it be if I was born in a different circumstance. I know it might be not as this good, but well... I'm just wondering.

There you go. My Dad calls me again. Catch ya later.

Major Shopper

I currently am having this disease called online-shopping addict. Don't you guys dare laughing at me, because I don't think any girl could ever be able to hinder from its temptation.

See, stuffs like this:

UBERMAJOREXTREMELYBEAAAOOOOUUTTTEFOOLL SUEDE ANKLE BOOTS!

How could you restrain yourself from buying such a baby??? I couldn't, for sure, despite its price of Rp. 500.000,- and this poor wallet of mine screaming for a major help; I almost called the seller just now, even this is still 3.45 AM!

Gosh, this internet thing is killing me.

But no-oh. I had just been a major serial shopper, and I spent too much already for things I don't really need-considering the place I'm living at now (the ultra-hot town Cikarang), the fact that I'm just a regular (and casual-styled!) college student, and I'm still on my parents' financial support.

Well.

I guess it's a good thing then, that I don't have any credit left in my cell-phone as in current moment ;)

For those of you who want to buy the boots, here is the link. I really love the boots they sell, wonder when could I get one :(

Me Being Snob

My Elementary School Friend (MESF): "Well... I went to N's house few days ago. You still remember her? Your high-school friend."
Me: "Ah, ya. Is she your university friend?"
MESF: "Yes, yes. We're in the same major."
Me: "I see."
MESF: "I went to her house, and I was looking at your yearly book. You're photo's there, too (well, duh? Of course it is. We're at the same school, remember?). I could easily figure out that it is you."
Me: "Really? Wiw, that's great. We've not meet each other for how long?"
MESF: "Makes me want to go back to Elementary School, when we were making model for an assignment."
Me: "Uh, not really."
MESF: "Anyway, you're quite up to date, eh? Your photo, I mean. Quite cute. But you're getting MORE BEAUTIFUL (he really did write it in all capitals like that, trust me) now, eh?"
Me: "Yay! Being called as beautiful!"
MESF: "Hahaha. What? Like no one ever tell you that you are really beautiful?"

egh.

Thanks but no thanks, o my dearest MESF.

I mean, I really am glad that there is someone telling me that I am beautiful. It seems like so looonggg-long time ago, since the last time someone (aside from the BF) telling me that.

And it wasn't that I don't like MESF. He's a nice guy, smart too, and has always been nice to me for like all the time I've known him.

But dear, you just flirted with the wrong girl.

This girl, is happily taken.

This girl, doesn't consider herself as beautiful. Therefore your flatter don't mean a thing. Not even a step closer to become a very dearest friend of mine.

This girl, thinks that it's kinda yucky to be flirted by any guy beside the one that she loves (don't give me those raising eyebrows, I've been like that since the first time I've known love).

This girl, has never felt anything special for you. A mere acquaintance, that's it.

This girl, was busy cleaning up her cat's poop when you did that. It wasn't quite a right time. To think about that again, it was kinda silly and cartoon-ish (with the SFX of "wakwaaawww.." and a googly-eyed raven passing by) when I draw it again on my mind.

I'm sorry. I hope you didn't fall in love with me though, and it's just me having the big-headed feeling (read in Indonesia: GR a.k.a. GEDE RASA!) of being flirted by you.

Things I Currently Worry About

1. Electricity fee!
   See, I'm living in a rented house, where I have to pay IDR 11 million and something for a month (I shared it with 2 other girls). The house is small, not more than 7x5 metres of building. I thought it was the perfect house for me and the girls. It is a nice house, with nice paint and all, and when we came to ask things there, the owner said that I needn't to pay the water fee and other stuffs. It's free. What a lovely world it is.
   
   INDEED IT'S FREE, THE ELECTRICITY FEE IS KILLING ME!
   
   Gee, I really don't know what's going on in some people's head. I mean, my house at Tangerang is clearly larger than the rented house, with more electrical stuffs used: almost-24-hours-aircons, 2 large TVs, refrigerator, I-don't-know-how-much lamps, yet the electricity fee is only about 1/3 of the fee they charged here!
   
   Surely there has been something going wrong, but yet we can't do a thing to hinder it from happening again. We've talked to the owner, and all that he could do was saying, "Just consider it's a sum for your water fee and all."
   
   Da*n you.
   
   And for this February, I practically didn't live there. Yet the girls let the electricity bill finished by me. It was about 300k, and they've paid half of it. So I paid the rest (150k), which already is too much for me.
   
   This March and April, the girls said that they want to let the BFs protest about it to the owner, since the bill reached up the number of 750k. But no-oh. They didn't do it just yet.
   
   So here I am. Left with a 750k bill, and May bill has come, too (which only God knows how much I have to pay). DAAAA****NNNN! How am I suppose to get the money? I need the money to start my business, too! Things just started going well for me getting the extra money, yet this kind of thing happens NOW???
   
2. 
   My qualitative research mark
   How come my final paper mark wasn't there yet??? I got an E and who's there to blame? Eerrrgghh...
   
   
3. My biweekly+internship report
   OK. So the internship period is over. Yay. It's a yay. Lalala.
   
   The problem now is: I haven't finished the report! It really will take a long time to finish, since I wasn't seriously doing it, and now that I've started to forgotten things I did during the period.
   
   Oh well, rather than ranting about it, I guess it's better for me to start working it.
   
   
4. THESIS!
   Why should there be a thesis for a 3-years-university-study??? You can't write a proper research in such limited time, moreover with the fact that this student (who has to work on it) has other things in mind and to do.
   
   Will Psychoanalysis on Stereotyping Victim's Behavior be mere concept for ever? Hummm..
   
   
5. Money
   As what I have mentioned, I need the money to pay the electricity bill, AND TO WORK ON MY NEW BUSINESS. I started selling imported stuffs a few weeks ago, and I stopped taking from this Indonesian suppliers, since they take too many profit for themselves, LOL. I really want to have it from this Hong Kong suppliers, but I need to get myself a minimum IDR 1million goods purchase for it.
   
   Phew.
   
   How could I ever have 1million when I constantly have to spend my money to pay this electricity bill????

I wanna have a very-very long and deep sleep to forget all these.

1. 
   

What I Really Want

The BF got himself into a PB tournament yesterday.

I know, I know that I hate that game for making me (and of course some other girls) become widowers, being left for playing it and all; however still I endorsed him to join the tournament.

He's been busy about that for all the week. He said that if he won this tournament, he and his friend would join a bigger tournament held next week at Gading. He'd have 2,5 million (to be distributed to 5 people) when he won this, and another 5 million when he won that tournament. He said that whatever he won, the victory will be dedicated to me.

I don't care, to be honest. Whether he win or lose, no matter what will happen to the money that he earned, that is not at all a big deal for me. What matters is he's happy, that's all.

Therefore when yesterday he chatted with me at Y!M, telling me that he was all tired after a day long tournament, then spending the night by watching movies, then having a trip back home from Bekasi to Cikarang using motorbike at 10pm, then having to have themselves practice one more time (preparing for the semifinal tournament: which is today), that all of his team-mates were all emotional ; I thought to myself, "There surely is something wrong going to happen tomorrow."

And yes.

Without a doubt, they lost.

Once a group fight against each other,  they break the bond that tie them up together and make them a solid (and great) team. All left is lousy team-work, lousy team-members, and lousy result.

It doesn't matter for me, really. I've predicted that they'd lost in such circumstances; but I hate the effect it resulted to the BF.

He didn't text me since early morning (while I'm such a possessive little girl who demands all time news-feed from him), and when just now I texted him to find out how does he do (and to remind him to have his lunch, too), he replied it with simple sentences.

I asked him a few things, but he seemed like having something important that he was concentrating in, I guess, because he replied only one issue per text message instead of reacting towards it all like he use to do.

What I hate is, once people do that to me, this paranoid brain of mine would start thinking bad stuffs. eg: the team-members are currently blaming each-others, and later on when I come to their house, the aura will be filled with hatred against one-another.

And that is just one of the example of the thoughts I have here*knocking head*

Haaaahhh.

What I really want is for everyone to be happy. Can't it just be, oh dear Lord? Wouldn't the world be something great when it becomes such?

The Worst Trip to Home

I'm coming back to Tangerang today.

weee...

It was supposed to be a "yay", moreover with the fact that my Daddy picked me up at Cikarang. No 3-hours-bus-trip, hooray.

Well, Saatzi ruined it all.

I'm taking her with me to home today. I planned to take her to a vet, and give her vaccine(it's time already, she's 6 months of age, for God sake. 3 months late? What kind of mother am I?). She should've been happy! The last trip she had with 4-wheeled-automotive was with AgraMas bus, and all that time she was caged. She should've thanked me this time I'm kind enough to take her in car with me.

But no-oh!

She meowed all the time, jumped in here and there, scratching the seats (I didn't check whether it was broken or not-hopefully not or else I'm gonna get killed by my Dad T_T), and even chunked in her claws in me!! Aaaaarrggghhh!! Doesn't she know who feed her every day???? Wouldn't you think that she'd have some kind of respect towards me, realizing the fact???

And if that wasn't bad enough, I'll tell you what: she even jumped onto my Dad while he was driving.

Indeed you have 9 lives, Saatzi, but we regular humans only have one! You'd kill us by doing that, you stupid cat!

Just this evening she licked me several times, curled herself onto my lap, and I thought, "She's such a lovely cat! I'm so lucky to have her.." but well. See what she's done.

I was kind of afraid that my Dad is going to be all mad and stuffs, like yelling or God knows what else, but no-oh. He doesn't even comment anything but "Auch, the claw's in me. It hurts."

And even when we arrived home and he took a bath already, he came out and hissed toward Saatzi, like talking to her. Not just that, he even waved his hand to Saatzi, and said, "Come here!" while walking to his room. I don't know whether he really wanted to sleep with her or what, but that's just so nice of him to do that. I guess he knows that I was afraid of him getting angry, so he tried to pretend that it's OK for Saatzi to stay.

Oh dear God, thank you for this patient father of mine, I wouldn't ask for a better Daddy anymore. And if I ever will do, please do not listen. It surely is a mistake, I would never want any other Daddy but him.

Haahhh...

Anyway.

Being a very loving and caring mother, I instantly forgive Saatzi for whatever she did, once she meowed at me and asked to be stroked. I hold her, let her sleep on my lap, let her licked my cheeks several times (yeah), and even took some picture with her (I wanted to post it here, but how come the toolbar's missing?).

But there also is something disturbing my mind while I did that..

I started to think that Saatzi is more of a trouble rather than an entertainment. Yes, indeed, I love her sooooo much that I'm going to miss her every time I got separated for quite a long time; But I also have to be realistic. Both I and the BF don't have our own place-we have to share it with several housemates-, and even if we owned the place ourselves, it wasn't suitable enough for us to keep a cat. I thought all cats would be satisfied in any kind of room, too lazy to move so that it'd be easier to be taken care of rather than dog, but well. We faced the fact.

Saatzi comes out easily when she's in the BF's place. There's no air-con there (Saatzi's fur is everywhere because of the heat-she couldn't stand it I suppose), all people there are too busy facing the PCs to take a good care of her, and there are too many holes big enough for her to pass through. There only the BF that really cares about her, spend some of his times to watch her so that she wouldn't come out...

Well, she got into fight with neighbor's cat frequently, and she's able to sneak in to neigbour's house easily. Damn it really is such a trouble when she does that. Not to mention that the BF needs to go back home every weekend, means we have to ask for help from the BF's housemates to take care of her (which I don't feel really good to do).

Yeah I could take care of her in my place, but I'm an ultra-mobile girl! I do my internship (and will consult to my thesis advisor) at Palmerah, Jakarta. My house is at Tangerang and my Dad expect me to be home for weekend (too). I wasn't much of a help to the BF about taking care of her...

Not to mention when my housemates are all gathered (and their friends, too). One doesn't like cat, and her BF tried to keep her happy by keeping Saatzi away from her. I don't know, sometimes their actions towards Saatzi are quite mean, like throwing balls (which Saatzi hates) towards her.

And you guys who have pets at home I'm sure know that they don't smell really good. The problem is I take care of Saatzi in my room. An air-conned room. Means the air-circulation is not too good, and the odor will most likely lingers in the air instead of flowing outside like what it supposed to be. It seems to bother others... I guess.

But to let her being taken care of by others, that also I can't imagine. I love her! She's not just merely a cat for me; she's my daughter. I talk to her like I talk to humans. I feed her, I hold her when I sleep, just like my own baby. How come I ever survive if she wasn't with me..?

She also was the main reason for me and the BF to be attached as this close now... I would not go to the BF's house every single day if it wasn't for Saatzi. If she's not here any longer, what could we do while we're together..? Playing PB? LOL. I'll crash the computer.

I don't know... She's just too special for me to let go, but the reality just not letting me having her...

Psychoanalysis: Ego anxiety.
ID's force: I WANT SAATZI! I LOVE CAT! I WANT PERSIAN CAT!
Superego's force: The will not to lie to my old people anymore. The will not to put Saatzi into further pain.
Reality: my place is not sufficient. My parents hate animals. I'm too mobile to have something to be taken care of (whether it is pet or plant).

Defense mechanism: let's see.

Oh God, there surely is something wrong with this head.