Bungeejumpingme!

Seven Rounds of Headache

2010-08-26T00:18:00.000-07:00

The title may sound like something in English, but actually it's a term in Indonesian, "Pusing tujuh keliling" which means being totally confused.

You may be thinking, "What are you so confused about, Mey? You almost end your university life!"

Yeah, that is exactly why I am confused.

I don't know why, but trouble has always been a friend of mine. When I'm under stress and being depressed, trouble is the only thing that keeps me a company. They'd come in large numbers to play with me during such times.

Like in this current moment.

I haven't finished my thesis yet (the deadline is tommorrow), my rent house period ends by the late August 19 (and nobody told me about that! Gee what a great housemate I had there), the electricity fee - which is about 500k - hasn't been paid yet (I've asked them to pay for times I can't count! I've paid my part, yet I am the one to be chased after by the house-keeper to pay the electricity fee and all those stuffs), not to mention several other things that makes me think that it's useless for me to keep on living in this world :(

And I'm currently living in the BF's house, which - without I have to say - is filled with boys. I'd really prefer to temporarily stay in my friend's room at dormitory, but her room is filled with 3 people already. The hardest thing ever for living in other's place is to feel that you don't contribute anything, then you start to feel guilty and do some things to "pay" the guilt feeling.

And I think I've had it enough to pay all those guilt. I'm tired for not being able to do the things I want to do, I'm tired of thinking about others while my selfish self demands me to think about myself, and I'm so tired of everything.

I never miss home this bad... I don't care anymore if I have to be separated from the BF for a very long time because of being home, I'm just so tired and could really use all-day sleep without anyone disturbing. Really wish that this thesis could wrap itself up, so that I can go home ASAP.

Ouch

2010-08-06T05:43:00.000-07:00

I've been hindering my parents for so many times lately. I don't call them as often, don't come back home for probably a month already, and even in my birthday yesterday, I didn't call my Mom.

Go on, call me the disobedient daughter or what, but I don't feel comfortable in talking with them. Moreover through the phone-call. I feel I've been guilty in every single thing that I do, that I never have satisfied them as a child, never have made them happy.

I know that it's not true, that they love me despite every mistake that I've done, but their way of treating me states otherwise.

Saying simple things like, "I found a new great beauty good!" would end up in me being interrogated and feeling that I have done something really-really bad. Like, "Oh my, you keep on buying, buying and buying. Your Daddy works hard for the money, you know."

Gosh.

All I want is to share something that I feel great telling about, and I want to share it with you. Not being blamed and judged. And duh... If you're not happy in seeing me using the money, just don't give it to me, that simple. That is the main reason why I start working and earn my own money, actually. To be able to use the money without thinking would I hurt others in spending that.

Being misjudged and mistreated in such way, I gradually stop telling them things. I start doing things behind their back, things that they would never be agree about. I start care less about them. I start living on my own, away from them, just to get away from all the problems back home. I start to have thoughts on my own, thoughts that are 180 degree different with the one they taught me to think about.

I start to hate them.

Oh God, there I said it. I know I wasn't supposed to hate my own parents, and that I will never be able to 100% hate them. Yet that exactly is what I currently feel.

And yes, it has brought me to the worse self of mine, but what can I do? The culture in this place where I'm living in, forbids me to say whatever comes in mind about parents. Problem is, keeping thoughts makes me sick.

I sometimes cry long and loud in the middle of the night, thinking what would it be if I was born in a different circumstance. I know it might be not as this good, but well... I'm just wondering.

There you go. My Dad calls me again. Catch ya later.

Major Shopper

2010-06-12T13:34:00.000-07:00

I currently am having this disease called online-shopping addict. Don't you guys dare laughing at me, because I don't think any girl could ever be able to hinder from its temptation.

See, stuffs like this:

UBERMAJOREXTREMELYBEAAAOOOOUUTTTEFOOLL SUEDE ANKLE BOOTS!

How could you restrain yourself from buying such a baby??? I couldn't, for sure, despite its price of Rp. 500.000,- and this poor wallet of mine screaming for a major help; I almost called the seller just now, even this is still 3.45 AM!

Gosh, this internet thing is killing me.

But no-oh. I had just been a major serial shopper, and I spent too much already for things I don't really need-considering the place I'm living at now (the ultra-hot town Cikarang), the fact that I'm just a regular (and casual-styled!) college student, and I'm still on my parents' financial support.

Well.

I guess it's a good thing then, that I don't have any credit left in my cell-phone as in current moment ;)

For those of you who want to buy the boots, here is the link. I really love the boots they sell, wonder when could I get one :(

Me Being Snob

2010-05-19T12:47:00.000-07:00

My Elementary School Friend (MESF): "Well... I went to N's house few days ago. You still remember her? Your high-school friend."
Me: "Ah, ya. Is she your university friend?"
MESF: "Yes, yes. We're in the same major."
Me: "I see."
MESF: "I went to her house, and I was looking at your yearly book. You're photo's there, too (well, duh? Of course it is. We're at the same school, remember?). I could easily figure out that it is you."
Me: "Really? Wiw, that's great. We've not meet each other for how long?"
MESF: "Makes me want to go back to Elementary School, when we were making model for an assignment."
Me: "Uh, not really."
MESF: "Anyway, you're quite up to date, eh? Your photo, I mean. Quite cute. But you're getting MORE BEAUTIFUL (he really did write it in all capitals like that, trust me) now, eh?"
Me: "Yay! Being called as beautiful!"
MESF: "Hahaha. What? Like no one ever tell you that you are really beautiful?"

egh.

Thanks but no thanks, o my dearest MESF.

I mean, I really am glad that there is someone telling me that I am beautiful. It seems like so looonggg-long time ago, since the last time someone (aside from the BF) telling me that.

And it wasn't that I don't like MESF. He's a nice guy, smart too, and has always been nice to me for like all the time I've known him.

But dear, you just flirted with the wrong girl.

This girl, is happily taken.

This girl, doesn't consider herself as beautiful. Therefore your flatter don't mean a thing. Not even a step closer to become a very dearest friend of mine.

This girl, thinks that it's kinda yucky to be flirted by any guy beside the one that she loves (don't give me those raising eyebrows, I've been like that since the first time I've known love).

This girl, has never felt anything special for you. A mere acquaintance, that's it.

This girl, was busy cleaning up her cat's poop when you did that. It wasn't quite a right time. To think about that again, it was kinda silly and cartoon-ish (with the SFX of "wakwaaawww.." and a googly-eyed raven passing by) when I draw it again on my mind.

I'm sorry. I hope you didn't fall in love with me though, and it's just me having the big-headed feeling (read in Indonesia: GR a.k.a. GEDE RASA!) of being flirted by you.

Things I Currently Worry About

2010-05-18T23:40:00.000-07:00

Electricity fee!
See, I'm living in a rented house, where I have to pay IDR 11 million and something for a month (I shared it with 2 other girls). The house is small, not more than 7x5 metres of building. I thought it was the perfect house for me and the girls. It is a nice house, with nice paint and all, and when we came to ask things there, the owner said that I needn't to pay the water fee and other stuffs. It's free. What a lovely world it is.

INDEED IT'S FREE, THE ELECTRICITY FEE IS KILLING ME!

Gee, I really don't know what's going on in some people's head. I mean, my house at Tangerang is clearly larger than the rented house, with more electrical stuffs used: almost-24-hours-aircons, 2 large TVs, refrigerator, I-don't-know-how-much lamps, yet the electricity fee is only about 1/3 of the fee they charged here!

Surely there has been something going wrong, but yet we can't do a thing to hinder it from happening again. We've talked to the owner, and all that he could do was saying, "Just consider it's a sum for your water fee and all."

Da*n you.

And for this February, I practically didn't live there. Yet the girls let the electricity bill finished by me. It was about 300k, and they've paid half of it. So I paid the rest (150k), which already is too much for me.

This March and April, the girls said that they want to let the BFs protest about it to the owner, since the bill reached up the number of 750k. But no-oh. They didn't do it just yet.

So here I am. Left with a 750k bill, and May bill has come, too (which only God knows how much I have to pay). DAAAA****NNNN! How am I suppose to get the money? I need the money to start my business, too! Things just started going well for me getting the extra money, yet this kind of thing happens NOW???
My qualitative research mark
How come my final paper mark wasn't there yet??? I got an E and who's there to blame? Eerrrgghh...
My biweekly+internship report
OK. So the internship period is over. Yay. It's a yay. Lalala.

The problem now is: I haven't finished the report! It really will take a long time to finish, since I wasn't seriously doing it, and now that I've started to forgotten things I did during the period.

Oh well, rather than ranting about it, I guess it's better for me to start working it.
THESIS!
Why should there be a thesis for a 3-years-university-study??? You can't write a proper research in such limited time, moreover with the fact that this student (who has to work on it) has other things in mind and to do.

Will Psychoanalysis on Stereotyping Victim's Behavior be mere concept for ever? Hummm..
Money
As what I have mentioned, I need the money to pay the electricity bill, AND TO WORK ON MY NEW BUSINESS. I started selling imported stuffs a few weeks ago, and I stopped taking from this Indonesian suppliers, since they take too many profit for themselves, LOL. I really want to have it from this Hong Kong suppliers, but I need to get myself a minimum IDR 1million goods purchase for it.

Phew.

How could I ever have 1million when I constantly have to spend my money to pay this electricity bill????

I wanna have a very-very long and deep sleep to forget all these.

What I Really Want

2010-05-16T00:14:00.000-07:00

The BF got himself into a PB tournament yesterday.

I know, I know that I hate that game for making me (and of course some other girls) become widowers, being left for playing it and all; however still I endorsed him to join the tournament.

He's been busy about that for all the week. He said that if he won this tournament, he and his friend would join a bigger tournament held next week at Gading. He'd have 2,5 million (to be distributed to 5 people) when he won this, and another 5 million when he won that tournament. He said that whatever he won, the victory will be dedicated to me.

I don't care, to be honest. Whether he win or lose, no matter what will happen to the money that he earned, that is not at all a big deal for me. What matters is he's happy, that's all.

Therefore when yesterday he chatted with me at Y!M, telling me that he was all tired after a day long tournament, then spending the night by watching movies, then having a trip back home from Bekasi to Cikarang using motorbike at 10pm, then having to have themselves practice one more time (preparing for the semifinal tournament: which is today), that all of his team-mates were all emotional ; I thought to myself, "There surely is something wrong going to happen tomorrow."

And yes.

Without a doubt, they lost.

Once a group fight against each other, they break the bond that tie them up together and make them a solid (and great) team. All left is lousy team-work, lousy team-members, and lousy result.

It doesn't matter for me, really. I've predicted that they'd lost in such circumstances; but I hate the effect it resulted to the BF.

He didn't text me since early morning (while I'm such a possessive little girl who demands all time news-feed from him), and when just now I texted him to find out how does he do (and to remind him to have his lunch, too), he replied it with simple sentences.

I asked him a few things, but he seemed like having something important that he was concentrating in, I guess, because he replied only one issue per text message instead of reacting towards it all like he use to do.

What I hate is, once people do that to me, this paranoid brain of mine would start thinking bad stuffs. eg: the team-members are currently blaming each-others, and later on when I come to their house, the aura will be filled with hatred against one-another.

And that is just one of the example of the thoughts I have here*knocking head*

Haaaahhh.

What I really want is for everyone to be happy. Can't it just be, oh dear Lord? Wouldn't the world be something great when it becomes such?

The Worst Trip to Home

2010-05-08T11:24:00.000-07:00

I'm coming back to Tangerang today.

weee...

It was supposed to be a "yay", moreover with the fact that my Daddy picked me up at Cikarang. No 3-hours-bus-trip, hooray.

Well, Saatzi ruined it all.

I'm taking her with me to home today. I planned to take her to a vet, and give her vaccine(it's time already, she's 6 months of age, for God sake. 3 months late? What kind of mother am I?). She should've been happy! The last trip she had with 4-wheeled-automotive was with AgraMas bus, and all that time she was caged. She should've thanked me this time I'm kind enough to take her in car with me.

But no-oh!

She meowed all the time, jumped in here and there, scratching the seats (I didn't check whether it was broken or not-hopefully not or else I'm gonna get killed by my Dad T_T), and even chunked in her claws in me!! Aaaaarrggghhh!! Doesn't she know who feed her every day???? Wouldn't you think that she'd have some kind of respect towards me, realizing the fact???

And if that wasn't bad enough, I'll tell you what: she even jumped onto my Dad while he was driving.

Indeed you have 9 lives, Saatzi, but we regular humans only have one! You'd kill us by doing that, you stupid cat!

Just this evening she licked me several times, curled herself onto my lap, and I thought, "She's such a lovely cat! I'm so lucky to have her.." but well. See what she's done.

I was kind of afraid that my Dad is going to be all mad and stuffs, like yelling or God knows what else, but no-oh. He doesn't even comment anything but "Auch, the claw's in me. It hurts."

And even when we arrived home and he took a bath already, he came out and hissed toward Saatzi, like talking to her. Not just that, he even waved his hand to Saatzi, and said, "Come here!" while walking to his room. I don't know whether he really wanted to sleep with her or what, but that's just so nice of him to do that. I guess he knows that I was afraid of him getting angry, so he tried to pretend that it's OK for Saatzi to stay.

Oh dear God, thank you for this patient father of mine, I wouldn't ask for a better Daddy anymore. And if I ever will do, please do not listen. It surely is a mistake, I would never want any other Daddy but him.

Haahhh...

Anyway.

Being a very loving and caring mother, I instantly forgive Saatzi for whatever she did, once she meowed at me and asked to be stroked. I hold her, let her sleep on my lap, let her licked my cheeks several times (yeah), and even took some picture with her (I wanted to post it here, but how come the toolbar's missing?).

But there also is something disturbing my mind while I did that..

I started to think that Saatzi is more of a trouble rather than an entertainment. Yes, indeed, I love her sooooo much that I'm going to miss her every time I got separated for quite a long time; But I also have to be realistic. Both I and the BF don't have our own place-we have to share it with several housemates-, and even if we owned the place ourselves, it wasn't suitable enough for us to keep a cat. I thought all cats would be satisfied in any kind of room, too lazy to move so that it'd be easier to be taken care of rather than dog, but well. We faced the fact.

Saatzi comes out easily when she's in the BF's place. There's no air-con there (Saatzi's fur is everywhere because of the heat-she couldn't stand it I suppose), all people there are too busy facing the PCs to take a good care of her, and there are too many holes big enough for her to pass through. There only the BF that really cares about her, spend some of his times to watch her so that she wouldn't come out...

Well, she got into fight with neighbor's cat frequently, and she's able to sneak in to neigbour's house easily. Damn it really is such a trouble when she does that. Not to mention that the BF needs to go back home every weekend, means we have to ask for help from the BF's housemates to take care of her (which I don't feel really good to do).

Yeah I could take care of her in my place, but I'm an ultra-mobile girl! I do my internship (and will consult to my thesis advisor) at Palmerah, Jakarta. My house is at Tangerang and my Dad expect me to be home for weekend (too). I wasn't much of a help to the BF about taking care of her...

Not to mention when my housemates are all gathered (and their friends, too). One doesn't like cat, and her BF tried to keep her happy by keeping Saatzi away from her. I don't know, sometimes their actions towards Saatzi are quite mean, like throwing balls (which Saatzi hates) towards her.

And you guys who have pets at home I'm sure know that they don't smell really good. The problem is I take care of Saatzi in my room. An air-conned room. Means the air-circulation is not too good, and the odor will most likely lingers in the air instead of flowing outside like what it supposed to be. It seems to bother others... I guess.

But to let her being taken care of by others, that also I can't imagine. I love her! She's not just merely a cat for me; she's my daughter. I talk to her like I talk to humans. I feed her, I hold her when I sleep, just like my own baby. How come I ever survive if she wasn't with me..?

She also was the main reason for me and the BF to be attached as this close now... I would not go to the BF's house every single day if it wasn't for Saatzi. If she's not here any longer, what could we do while we're together..? Playing PB? LOL. I'll crash the computer.

I don't know... She's just too special for me to let go, but the reality just not letting me having her...

Psychoanalysis: Ego anxiety.
ID's force: I WANT SAATZI! I LOVE CAT! I WANT PERSIAN CAT!
Superego's force: The will not to lie to my old people anymore. The will not to put Saatzi into further pain.
Reality: my place is not sufficient. My parents hate animals. I'm too mobile to have something to be taken care of (whether it is pet or plant).

Defense mechanism: let's see.

Oh God, there surely is something wrong with this head.

The Trip to Palembo

2010-04-22T10:02:00.000-07:00

So.

I'm going to Palembang this Saturday. My paranoid brain gets a lot of things to worry about already, but what worries me the most is the BF.

No, not because I'm afraid that he'll cheat behind my back, not at all :) I'm not that jealous little girl anymore, by the way.

But it's just since there's Saatzi, we've never been apart for too long... It's 3 days the most, and even by that time, we text each other almost all the time. And I've missed him baaaaaaaadddd...

And I'm gonna miss Saatzi too, for sure.. Can I just wake without her sleeping on my arm?

What am I going to do, 9 days without them?

9 days, which I'm sure was going to be some hardest days throughout my life. I'm gonna be told to do this and that - which I totally hate -, and I'm gonna need to spill it out to someone. THE BF, in this case.

I really like talking to him at night, before I go to sleep. He's so relaxing and all, I keep him as long as I can before I feel to tired to talk, THEN he can leave. LoL. During that time, I'll tell him all my worries, interests, memories... just anything.

Then what will I do if I miss him during the 9 days..?

In other side, this could be considered as something good too, actually.

I've been with him too often, that I thought he's gonna be somewhat throw up of being bored with me. A week would be a nice break to tell whether he still want to be with me or not.

Haaahhhh I'm just so paranoid, and just love him too much-___________-..

The Conversation (II)

2010-04-22T10:01:00.000-07:00

(on our way to Lippo)
Bear: "Blablablabla*babbling in Japanese*">>we've been so fed up with his habit of babbling in Japanese. Soooooo ADD.
L: "Hey Mey."
Me: "Yeah?"
L: "In Japanese, what does the meaning of IKITAI?"

*FYI: In Japanese, ikitai means I want to live. In Javanese, iki tai means 'this is shit'.

The Conversation

2010-04-22T09:45:00.000-07:00

A: "What are you doing?"
Me: "Nothing. Just looking at you... seemed so happy only by replying her texts."
A: "....don't read me!"
Me: "I don't! I'm just gonna... well.. psychoanalyze you."
A: "That's equally the same. Stop probing. You know probing?"
Me: "What?"
A: "Mengorek-ngorek, if you say it in Indonesian."
Me: "Oh, I see. Like, mengorek-ngorek telinga? Or... mengorek-ngorek hidung?"
A: "That's different! Hahahaha..."
Me: "Hahahaha.. What? You said it yourself that it is mengorek-ngorek."
A: "Yea, but not as in what you use to nose-digging. It's 'mengorek-ngorek' as in Andric's hobby."
Me: "Hahahaha..."
A: "Stop being Andric."

World's Wonder

2010-04-15T20:47:00.000-07:00

I don't understand the way this world works. The one on the upper level made a mistake, and the ones above got the bitter result. It's been like that since the early world start..

Take a look at Adam and Eve. They are the ones who eat the forbidden fruit, and all their descendants got the original sin carried. We weren't even born by that time, we don't take parts in their decision of eating the fruit, yet we also have to burden the responsibility of doing it, by living on Earth instead of heaven.

Take a look again at the World War I & II. They say people died in the war were hero, because it was for the country. But THE COUNTRY NEVER ASK THE CITIZENS TO EXPAND ITS AREA. It is the leader who wants bigger area, more land to be inhabited, to be explored.

We also know that the land of the country has provided what is needed by its citizens. Food, clothes, the main needs are fulfilled already, no need to take it from other country. Even if the natural resources is not sufficient, by that time people have known about trading already. There certainly is no need for attacking other country for taking its resources. I'm telling you now, it merely is for the leader's ego. The leaders of those offending country could only feel stronger when they've managed to conquer other countries and treat the citizens like their slave. And for the reason, they sacrificed the citizens of their own country. Lovely.

Religions for me cause the same enigma, too. Here, religion is a part of culture; because our parents have certain religion, we are expected to have the same religion. When we are getting toward the intimate relationship with one from different religion, society are nothing but against us. We don't take parts in deciding this kind of religion, moreover, we don't take parts in doing actions that make religions fight against one another; Yet we are the one to blame, the one expected to continue this false culture of hating one another because of minor difference.

and now, take a look at the most recent incident: Tanjung Priok riot. Only because the grave was to be removed and made into a business district, civil around there were furious; they consider the grave to be holistic and valuable enough to be defended, since it has historical value. 3 Satpol PP died, and even one of them, named Ahmad Tadjudin, is a regular visitor to the grave of Mbah Priok.

Gosh.

Doesn't it show the greediness of human being? Indonesia is the biggest maritime country throughout the world, 1,919,440 km2 of area, 17,508 islands to be used, why should they remove one small site for that "special" financial reason of theirs? Just go to one of those inhabitant islands, make some sort of Disney World over there, complete with the place to rest, I bet you'll make a lot of money.

And why do people keep complaining about Satpol PP's service..? It wasn't their fault that the land was sold to PT. Pelindo II. The only thing they do is securing the area, protecting so that there will be less (if possible, none) victims falling. The one sold it was the one to be guilty. Again, one in the upper level did bad thing, and the ones in lower level got the bitter result.

I feel really sorry for those 3 victims died in the incident.

Another thing is that Indonesians have this kind of traditional belief that the soul of the deceased will remain in the place where he/she was rested at. Therefore if the dead man is someone with special power or well-known, people will massively come, ask for help, money, etc. That's kind of stupid , because for me the deads can't do a thing.

I remember one dearest friend of mine, whose grandma passed away about 2 months ago. Her grandma was cremated, and the ashes was spread on Bengawan Solo River. The old lady asked for it herself, so that later on her descendants won't do things like treating her ashes as something to be praised upon).

That is one smart lady, I say.

The deads can't give you a thing, people.. They can't even walk on their own, they can't show themselves to peopele who wants to see them. They were important, they certainly were, but again, it's "WERE" that we use instead of "ARE". It's all past. And they will stay for ever in our heart and mind, not in our land. So why big deal..?

If it really is as holistic as what they say, see if it can protect itself from being ruined up.

See, I don't talk about this thing from the historical point of view, because I'm sure it wasn't the reason why these people are protecting the site as that bad. People able to see the site's historical value surely have historical background. People with historical background surely is educated ones (or at least old enough, hence wise enough). Educated (and wise) ones don't use forces, physical power, or coercion to fight about something. They communicate it.

By making this post, it doesn't mean that I'm toward one side, either Satpol PP or the citizens. I feel sorry for both sides. I know that accepting something against our culture is hard, but yet I can't stop thinking about the deceased Satpol PPs.

My deepest condolence to those being injured in the incident, mentally or physically...

...and to myself, too, for doing nothing but merely complaining and criticizing.

Please Be Responsible

2010-04-05T20:07:00.000-07:00

I often wonder why it has to be you.

You, the one that I've fallen for at the first time meet
You, whom I had not yet known too deep
You, with already one in heart to keep
You, one I couldn't let away slip
You, changing the whole life of mine indeed

Why should you be the one to give me the comfort feeling?
Do you really have to sit still in my mind for like, ever?
Was it really necessary to talk with me with the smile that made me weak?
Couldn't you just pending the time of our first meeting, for just about 2 months, so I could just get to know you so-so, because you had to leave for the internship?
Don't you know that I wasn't supposed to love anymore?
And do you ever get, that even if you did not do all those actions above, I would still be fallen for you?
So why do you ever have to let me know you..?

Because now,
Not anymore I could bear living without you
Not anymore I want to be away from you
Not anymore I able bearing the thoughts of others having you
Not anymore things feel good without you

Please bear your responsibility upon me, thank you.

The Leftovers

2010-01-04T08:18:00.001-08:00

It's been... How long? Almost a year and a half now, eh? And there's no single day I passed without thinking about you, even just a bit. You have just the biggest portion in my brain and my heart.

Thank you for still being here next to me, by the way :) I love you so much that a year, two years, even for ever won't be able to make me feel enough about you.

It's been so nice, these days we passed lately. Your texting me everyday, your calling me if you don't have the time to text, your sharing your dreams and ambitions and plans to me, your doing things just to make me happy, your worrying me if I'm not replying your texts, your asking my friend about my whereabouts, your accompanying me whenever you have the chance to... Those actions are lovely. I can feel your love and compassion, and I'm really glad that I have the chance to have the experience.

Even though so, being a paranoid, I still can't believe that you really do love me. I wanted to believe it, really. Disbelieves create misunderstandings, and you know that I never ever want to have a fight with you.

But the fact that you have no feelings for me throughout the first year of our togetherness, that just ruin my whole heart. It's been too long, the time that I spent to cheer myself by saying that it's OK if you dont love me; that true love never asks for anything in return. It's been too often, my heart got broken, healed by those cheer-up words, just to be broken again eventually. And it's been too loose, the tied bounds between us two, since I've been trying to make my heart able to let you go, since a real long time...

It's sad, you know. 1,5 years we're together, and for a whole year I just have the feeling for myself. I felt pathetic. Moreover realizing the fact that we shouldn't have been together. Our society values are against us. I feel like I'm fighting alone myself, while you, the one that I was defending hard, could just leave me anytime you want, making all my efforts useless.

It's even sadder when I realized that we've been only through the real relationship for only 6 months.

And realizing the things that you've done, that shows how you loved her, instead of me, so bad.

You were telling facts about her excitedly when I was trying to reveal myself to you.
Your face were filled with those proud expressions when you were telling me all her achievements.
You met her without even telling me just at the time you're with her, and neglecting me all day long. To be honest, this was the most painful memory I've had with you... I feel like, 'oh if she is there, I mean nothing. I'm just the Plan B. I'm the Sidekick. The Number Two.'

I wasn't try to judge you or accusing you about the mistakes you've made during our time together. It's just that I feel I am nothing to you, compared to her.

I wish you know how jealous I am towards her. I've never been jealous to people, I used to be happy with everything God has given to me; but towards her, I feel exact jealousy. The envy about the fact she could be loved by you...

So now, being a paranoid, even though now that we have a real comfortable relationship, bad thoughts starts crossing my minds freely.

You went with your highschool friends for too long without any texts or news, I'd think that she's there with you. That it must be the reason why you're neglecting me all day long.
She wrote something on your FB Wall, I'd think that you both must've been secretly texting each other or someway communicating behind my back.

And just now, just now that I saw Romy Rafael's Master Hypnotist On The Street (the episode shows about someone being hypnotized to think of a guy on the street as his GF. He said that the man was his GF, and he didn't even recognized his real GF. He kept mentioning the GF's name while pointing at the man), I started to think what'll happen if it were us.

You'd be mentioning her name, and not mine, to the guy.
You'd say things you like about her, and not me.
You'd say that you've been together for 5 years, instead of a year and a half.
And I'd just be there, standing shamefully, feeling hurt, and crying secretly so that crowds won't see me.

God, I'm such a paranoid.

That's just how scared I am of losing you. So selfish indeed, even scary probably, for you. It was just like I'm the one described by Dewa 19's vidclip of Bukan Cinta Manusia Biasa. A stalker.

Can't say any more words.

From The One who Loves You the Most

2009-12-23T15:07:00.001-08:00

To my beloved, my dearest, my precious one, whose having his birth day today…

Well, what can I say? For me, you’ve already been (and I know that you’d always be) the best. Can’t say that I wish U all the best then, huh?

So I’m just gonna wish that U’d be (though U already been) loved by the Lord above, by your families and friends all around, by your pupils, your band-mates, and by all (things or person) that you love, too…

May God listen to whatever your wishing is, and grant it; so the happy smile of yours could stay there on your face for longer time. Nothing’s better than meeting you with large, wide, and joyous smile, really. It’s just as good as having you by my side, telling me stories and experiences that made you happy throughout the times we separated.

I know He’d make a way for you and your band to get through all success’ passage, He knows how hard you’ve tried. He knows how bad you love it.
I know that He’d keep you inside the circle of your friends you’ve always loved to be in, and inside the family that always tucking you inside the warm blanket of love and protection.

He’d keep you happy and safe all the time, I know it.

Anyway, it’s enough for the wishes, I forgot about the gratitude I should’ve said to the Lord at the first place :P

I thank the Lord for the whole year that He had given to you; and to me, to experience your love more and to know you better. And this extra year He just gave? It surely is not the best gift you’ve received from him this year. Super-nice, isn’t he? The year had already been filled, as what you’ve well known, with experiences. Experiences that make you laugh, cry, and of course, make you grow older. Wiser. Let’s thank Him for that, too.

If there’s anything I’d feel sorry about, it’s that I can’t be with you on this special day. Again. 2 years in a row. Two years during our togetherness. Gee. Worst GF in the world, aren’t I-___________-

Would love to be with you at this current time, wouldn’t be wishing for any better Christmas wishes to be granted; unfortunately it’s just not possible. So sorry…

My love’s with you, though. You know that it is, and that it always will be…

There's Nothing You Have to be Proud of!

2009-11-18T03:02:00.000-08:00

I currently am 'working' - to be exact, doing my internship - in this sophisticated, luxurious, high-maintenanced company, namely Plz (let's just call it like this, if I say more, people will easily find out what place I'm talking about).

At first I was so excited. I thought that when I entered here, I would find high quality people, people with great education, broad-minded ones, people who would - as what I seen from the characteristic of the place - offer me hospitality, luxury, and perfectionism.

Unfortunately what I found after I jumped in here, is anything but those images.

Luxury? Nothing at all. Okay, for this thing, I admit that this is my fault. I wasn't supposed to expect great salary from doing an internship. Indeed. Moreover when they had already told me that I would have almost no responsibility. Jobs given to me would be easy ones, so that I won't cause great impact when I do anything wrong.

But come on, like, no one would expect high salary in this kind of place? My friend in Mattel, they get like, a million and more every month. Same title, interns.

Those are factories, my friend. They sell their products here, in malls. And this is not just A MALL, my friend, this is a HIGH-END MALL. Even probably the highest, if I may say. You won't find a higher-marketed mall than this one. And yet, I get only 390k for a month.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen. Not 500, not even 400k, it's 390.

Niceeeeeyyy..

And things like hospitality and perfectionism? I could only dream of such things. Sorry for wishing that they'd apply those two characteristics in every aspects of their activity. Apparently it only applies to store-owners and visitors, eh :P

Totally disappointed with this first internship. Wish that the second one would be better.. AMEN!

The Prayer

2009-09-25T10:00:00.002-07:00

If I could ever ask for things from God...

Beri aku kemampuan untuk mengasihi, lebih dari aku mengharap untuk dikasihi. Biarkan kasihMu semata mencukupiku lebih dari segala kasih yang kuperlukan dan kuinginkan...

Beri aku hikmat untuk dapat melihat kebaikan dari setiap kesalahan yang orang perbuat kepadaku. Aku yakin, setiap masing-masing manusia yang Kau ciptakan menurut gambar dan rupaMu sendiri, adalah baik adanya...

Beri aku hati yang mampu mengampuni dan melupakan kesalahan yang orang perbuat terhadapku, seperti Engkau juga mengampuni kesalahanku hingga ke titik terkecilnya, dan tak mengungkitnya lagi di kemudian hari...

Beri aku kemauan untuk mendengar kritik atas kekuranganku, dan kemampuan untuk berubah menjadi orang yang lebih baik lagi dari aku sebelumnya. Bukan semata baik bagi diriku sendiri, tapi juga baik bagi orang lain. Dengan demikian aku tahu bahwa aku telah memuliakan namaMu...

Beri aku kemampuan untuk mengakui kelebihan orang lain, dan bukannya merasa iri hati akan hal itu. Karena aku tahu, tiap orang Engkau beri talenta sesuai dengan kesanggupannya mengembangkan talenta itu. Dari yang Kau beri lebih, akan Kau tuntut lebih pula. Izinkan aku mampu mengerti batasan diriku, dan mampu mengembangkannya bagiMu..

Beri aku hikmat untuk dapat memahami, bahwa tidak selalu yang kuingini adalah yang terbaik bagiku..

Ya Bapa, tuntun langkahku.

Breaking Up

2009-09-19T01:54:00.000-07:00

Why do people still be in their relationship, if everyday they whine about it?

Why keeping something that you yourself doesn't even feel happy about?

Why do you need to be afraid of losing something that suffers you?

Don't be blind, open your eyes wide and see! There are more things to be considerated beside the mere love you have for him.

If he doesn't make you happy, then he's not the one.

If he doesn't keep you sane, then he's not the one.

If he doesn't love the ones who love you, he's not the one.

If you can't be yourself when he's around, he DEFINITELY is not the one.

Don't be afraid about getting the right person, they'll come to you eventually. All that you need is only patience. They might not be with you now, but just consider it like they're in training, with 'wrong' ladies, so that they can be the best when they're with you later on.

Someone for you would make you feel pretty, important, and comfortable, for the way that you are.

Someone for you would listen.

Someone for you would happy to make you feel happy, but at the same time, would keep you walk within the line.

And if you there's any of you girls out there who had found someone with those characteristics, and is currently having trouble with him, DON'T EVER THINK ABOUT BREAKING UP.

Never mind small stuffs like he likes to be with his friends more, he didn't text, he didn't call, he snores when he's sleeping, he's not physically good or any kind of those things. Those things are only representations of your own pride, nothing more. So PLEASE. Don't ever.

Because finding someone like that is as hard as erasing someone important from your memory. As hard as stop sobbing when you're watching PS: I Love You. As hard as stop shopping when you're under pressure.

Those small stuffs, believe me, would be gone and would no longer be a trouble not more than two minutes after your thinking of it. It'd be a shame to hold on to your pride and make a very bad decision after.

Dedicated especially for myself :)

Wishlist

2009-09-18T23:38:00.000-07:00

Things I want to have RIGHT NOW!

An upright piano :'(
Someone who loves me wholefully... The one that feels what Yovie n Nuno's telling in their song when he's with me :)..
PSP-3000.
Final Fantasy Dissidia game.
A nice headset!
The Proposal DVD.
A very nice face moisturizer.
A set of french manicure nail polish.
Ultra Milk Full Cream.
A glass of red wine.
Choky Sitohang, in person (LOL-he's awesome!).
My little brothers :(
An opportunity to date with my lovely 1000D. Please-please-please.. I won't forget the memory card this time T_T

Being human, I fulfill more things that I want rather than the things that I need.

Memories

2009-09-18T08:48:00.000-07:00

I love it...............

...how you always smiled, called me with correct name, said "hi", and tried to make simple conversations everytime we met, though we hadn't known each other quite well yet by that time.
...how you sat in front of me that night, and told me that physical beauty is not all girl's feature that guys see.
...how you always smell fresh and nice, no matter how hot the city is by that day.
...when you were awaken early in the morning by my text, and still replied it.
...when you called me in the middle of the night just to tell me that you won the basketball game.
...when your eyes met mine while we were playing the music.
...when you pulled me slowly so that I won't be crushed by a car.
...how you apologized, only for not winning the game.
...when you said that you're tired at that nite, but you still want to chat with me.
...when you held my point fingers that night, while we were watching Kung Fu Panda.
...when you said that we could just be together.
...how you kissed my forehand everytime we got to separate.
...that you laughed over me stealing your photos on Friendster.
...how you apologized, only because we had the trouble of going out like normal couples.
...that you shared your dreams, and wishes, and ambitions, to me.
...when you excitedly telling me all developments you've gained in pursuing your dreams.
...how you're addicted over motorcycles and jazz and percussion.
...that you knocked my rent-house every week, so that we could have a chat, even only for an hour or two.
...when you helped me to do my projects (it resulted me an A, you know :D)
...when you kissed my forehead and cheek for the very first time.
...how you've always been tried to be honest to me, no matter how hurtful that confession is.
...that you slept on my lap on the way back to Cikarang.
...how we laughed on the phone every night for about three or four hours, and disturbing my housemates.
...how you always took me to Padang restaurant because I'm addicted to it.
...when you woke Gaby up by throwing pillow at her.
...that you always let the music play while we were sleeping.
...when we were on phone while watching movies, so it feels as if we were watching it together.
...that you cleaned my cracked nail-polish.
...that you let me to paint your nails, and even let me to take the picture of you after.
...that you let me know your family and love them.
...how your family are all so open n kind to anyone, including me.
...that you dare hugging me in front of your friends.
...that you kissed me by that noon, told me that you missed me, danced me slow and tried to take the picture of us (though it failed).
...how you insisted to accompany me going back to Cikarang, even though it means that you have to go to Jakarta very early in the morning by the next day.
...how you always listened to every story I've told you, no matter how unimportant it is.
...how you always respond to every "I love you" I've said to you.
...that you always ensure me that you're with me, every time I doubt about your willingness to be with me.
...that we have our very own language (labu tomat, Bebek, Ayam) that no one would ever understand when they listen.
...when you made me all worried by not giving any words for about 3 to 4 hours, by purpose.
...that you let me to have Bandit :)
...when you were shocked every time I lost something (indeed I am clumsy.. I'm so sorry about that).
...that you support me wholefully when I doubt even myself, in the whole internship thing.

...and the fact that all I know for sure, is that I am in love with you, with no certain reason why, and indeed I don't know how to stop.

*A year and a month, these are all the memories I could ever recall and write down. I'll add some more later when I managed to remember all the leftovers.
Thank you so very much for these memories.. Wish you could remember all these the way that I do, too :)...

Three Aspects of Human

2009-08-28T11:36:00.000-07:00

WHOA!

Sorry I haven't updated or posted anything for months. Gee, how could I ever call myself as a writer, I even neglect my own blog. Ck ck ck ck. It's been a hectic semester, but I know it's not supposed to be an excuse for not updating my blog.

Anyway, I've prepared a lot of things to be shared here, so just be prepared to read a lot of posts in a day :D

The first thing I'm going to share is about three aspects of human life. This I found out from my chat with my friend, Y* (thanks to U ;D). I thought it is an interesting issue, therefore I decided to put it here.

So.

Several days ago, I was in a condition where I hate male the most. I thought that all of them were all the same; you know, body-oriented, visual-thinking, thought that they do logical things whereas it actually are STUPID things...

I know it really is stupid to think of something like that, moreover with the fact that I'm in love with someone who does everything according to his heart. Yet I don't manage to find out why did I think of it.

I then put the status on my Yahoo! Messenger: "if physical goodness worth a lifetime, then I better am not living."

Then Y asked what's wrong with me. I told him that I don't feel beautiful, and feel that I was often felt second-placed because of this lack of beauty of mine.

Then he said something like this,

Why do you have to worry about this? People are born with three aspects, body, heart, and mind. You can't have all three, or else you're not human. There must be something you're lacked of. You may not have the A point on the physical aspect, but you must be real thankful to Lord because you have two A pluses; on the heart aspect, and mind aspect.

Oh God. That was just like a huge slap to my face. Years ago, I once heard that the prettiest woman on Earth (for me), Natalie Portman, said, "I better known as someone smart rather than someone beautiful." I heard that line when I was a kid, about 7 or 8 years of age. Starting from that day, I made it as one of my life principles. And now that I'm known more as someone smart rather than beautiful, I'm complaining??? What kind of child I am? Forgive me, O dear Lord.

Anyway. This doesn't mean that I'm smart anyway. That means I use my mind more than my body. If I get an A for my exam, for example, I know that I achieve it by studying hard and really understanding the concept. Not because the teacher likes me.

Not that I underestimate the one with higher points on their physical aspects. Just like an old proverb said, "Many ways to Rome"; there are a lot of ways for you to achieve success. To get an A, you with physical goodness could use it to seduce your teacher. You with mind goodness could study hard. And you with heart goodness... Well... You could ask your friends to have a peek on their answers, LOL. You've been really nice to them, it's time for them to give something as a return.

Just kidding :P

Anyway, this time's posting seems really confusing, I know. I haven't got many time to edit the words and languages, but someday I will. Edit all the posts' writing languages so that it'll be easier to read.

For this time, enjoy :P

Secret of Happiness

2009-08-03T18:31:00.000-07:00

Gyaaaa...

I haven't updated my blog for more than a month o_O... And I consider myself to love writing? Who am I kidding?

Phew. Actually I've prepared like some good writings (ceahhh), but as usual, my perfectionism thrives now and then :( so those writing are still drafts until now :D But I promise I'm gonna post it ASAP. I HAVE TO post it ASAP!

Anyway,

lately I've been wondering about the secret of happiness, guys. I am the kind of girl who think that we'd be happy if we do anything that our heart desires.The kind of girl who believes that everything would be alright, as long as we don't give up hope on it. The kind of girl who believes that we would have all our dreams come true if we keep our dreams.

Yeah, go laugh on me. I'm the typical of a person that grew up with Disney's movies. Those fairy-tales and wish-granting scenes. No Nickelodeon on 1990's (in Indonesia) anyway.

Since I believe in all those, I've been trying to do so since I was very young. I eat only the food I love (:D ini mah emang gwnya aja yg picky eater). I don't do my homeworks if I don't want to. I don't mingle with the ones I don't like. I prefer not to do things if my heart tells me not to. I don't cover my dislikeness; if I hate someone, I'll show it, v/v.

And about the dreams... Only God knows what dreams I've told Him and ask Him to grant. He hasn't granted it, yet I'm keep on dreaming.

But I'm not as quite happy afterall.

I got insulted easily (and often). I want things. I envy people. I cry because I still can't get the things I want.

So what does it really take for you to be happy?

Let me share you a story...

A few while ago, I went to Bekasi to get a bus to Lebak Bulus. From the bus terminal, I still had to walk about 100 metres to be in the place to get the bus (I can't get it in the terminal). It was hectic there. And the one thing I hate the most when I got trapped in such condition is that male would start calling me names. It's just like they have never seen any girls for life!

So I kept on walking like crazy. I tried not to hear or see anything. And I did the same thing when I saw this guy, a tukang ojek, waved his hand, offered me his service. I instantly looked at the opposite direction. Huh.

But when about half an hour later I still couldn't find any buses to Lebak Bulus, I was kinda panicked. I looked for help, but all left was that tukang ojek or some tukang gorengan with fiery face over there.

Well... Of course I'd choose that tukang ojek, then.

I asked him which bus would go to Lebak Bulus... and despite my impolite action to him previously, he answered it all with a smile! He promised to show me if there's a bus to Lebak Bulus passing by, and even offered me a seat on a bench behind him.

I started to think what things could make him still smile? He was in a totally crowded, hot, mean place, he hadn't got anyone using his service yet, and I just acted so nosy towards him.

Please let me know when you've found it out :) it's a very nice PR strategy don't you think? LOL.

When You're Old (1)

2009-07-12T21:58:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wonder what will you become when you're old?

Yesterday, me and the whole SPIRIT! team went to P***, an elderly center, to work on our Leadership project. I wasn't really excited about the whole project, actually. I don't like working with "lame" people. But since it is obligatory and I love my team members (at least the PR ones), then well.. What can I say :)

We've been there for two weeks. Last Sunday (5/7) and yesterday (12/7). Last meeting, well.. at least we thought that it went well. Those elderly people were seem to be happy. They were excited when we invited them to do poco-poco. They lined well, smiled, and thanked us when we were giving them S*** R*** chocolate bread and D****** milk.

Until that morning, two people came toward us and said that there was problem with our bread and milk. Some of the milk were stale, and the breads were only 2 days away from the expiry date. They said that some elderly people vomit because of that.

We were shocked. We bought that milk from C********, a big and supposedly credible market. The milk came from the same package. There's no way some of the milk were stale and some weren't. And the bread, well of course it's only 2 days away from the expiry date, those breads contained no preservatives! Even if you buy it right after the time it is produced, the expiry date would be about 4 days later only.

Fernando then telling the story about his Mom. She was 58 or something like that, and she couldn't just drink any kinds of milk. She has to drink certain brand of milk or else, she'll vomit.
I then remembered reading somewhere that most of Asian people couldn't take milk as easy as European people or American people. My cousin is one of those people who will vomit if she drinks milk.
Tiffany came up with the idea that, "They probably would vomit even though we didn't give them anything. They are so old!". Hahaha. Yes, it was cruel to say something like that, but I do agree with it :D

We were quite certain that it wasn't our fault. Even though so, since we've been taught in Crisis Communication (yay! Thanks God we're PR) that we better admit that the thing did happen - and apologize for whatever it is though it wasn't our fault - then that's what we did.

We DID apologize. We DID try to explain to them that there's no way that happened. Unfortunately they DID NOT seem to be able to understand. They blamed us. They DID. The female one even was screaming, talking with her eyes popped-out, saying that the milk were stale and some of the breads were "berjamur" (how do you say it in English?).

Oh God. That was truly ridiculous! The breads hadn't even passed the expiry date yet, how come there were mushrooms growing on it?

The female one seemed furious. She said, "You needn't give us anything. We have enough food here," and, "Lucky I checked the packages!" like that. She said it with all those emotional mimics and voice-tones.

What a difference if you compared it to the male one, who said calmly, "This is the matter of life and death here. It could be a big problem," and "It's fine, we were just informing you guys," like that.

Phiuw. Indeed, it was a very unpleasant experience, but I think at least I could have something to learn from it... When you got older, you would have more complaints about things. You would tend to exaggerate things, too. Let's try not to be such kind of elderly people, shall we?

How to Heal a Broken Heart

2009-07-09T02:59:00.000-07:00

OK. The fact that I'm posting this is really-really ironic, because I personally am not able to face a broken-heart myself :D I'd be just crying and crying and crying and not listening to no matter what people say to me. I'd hate him for my entire life (whoa) for dumping me, and I'd spend my time thinking what's wrong with me... Daydreaming that he would leave that beautiful, tall, smart, funny, and nice (other) girl for me. Unfortunately I happen to be asked a lot of times for suggestions about ways for handling a broken-heart that I think I could get my master degree from it-______-

So here it is, some steps I suggested my friends to heal the broken-heart:

Spill it!
It doesn't matter how you do the spilling; you write it down on your diary, you work it to poems or lyrics or paintings, you tell the whole story to your friends, you go burst out crying, you scream or whatever - what important is that you have to spill it out! Never keep it all for yourself or you'll get worse later.
If you choose to tell the whole story to your friends, make sure that he/she really listens and not giving any comments. Say something like, "I'm going to tell you the whole story, but please don't comment it. At least not until I finish the whole story," like that. Because what matters for you now is to spill it out first, not to know what mistakes you made.
Make a gloomy environment
Yes, if there are books suggesting that you have to avoid being sad - by hanging out with your friends or whatever - I'm going to say just let it be. Just be sad. Listen to love musics, listen to the lyrics, and try to relate it to your own love story (this usually is the best way to squeeze out your tears).
Imagine your ex were having fun, kissing, caressing, cuddling the other girl without thinking of you even just for a bit. Think of it while looking at his photograph, anything that he gave to you, or any other that would remind you of him.
Watch drama-comedy movies, sad movies, or anything... Cry as loud as you like until you fall asleep because you got tired. Do nothing except crying. Surround yourself in such kind of environment for at least three days, and it all going to feel better after :) Just promise to yourself that you won't remember him at all after this time.
Get rid of anything that reminds you of him
Bears, perfume, pictures, lovely notes, pack it all into one, and keep it in the store-room (or just dump it into the trash bin!). You've made a promise that you won't remember anything about him anymore, so just avoid any questions that lead you to memories about him. If you can't hold yourself to cry, then just cry. Spill the rest of the memories and sadness you've got.
Get a life
Your life isn't all about him! Go get a life; join an organization, hang out with your friends, travel to new places, enter a competition... Anything that would take your time so that you would be so tired when you come home, that you won't think of him at all before sleep.
Pray
Say that I'm cliche or whatever. I believe that this is one of the most important step to heal your broken-heart. You have the hope and belief that you would get what you want. If you want to get over him, you would. If you want to get better love after this, you would. You just have to pray and believe.
Give your heart a time to cure itself :)
This is the most important step. I notice that most of my friends think that getting a new love would make them able to forget their ex. I gotta say that it is A HUGE MISTAKE! You won't be only hurting yourself, you'll hurt your new BF as well. It's an evil thing to do and I do not suggest it AT ALL. No matter how long it takes, a year or two or even three probably, just make sure that you won't take along your ex to your new relationship, because you've gotten over him totally.

I hope this would help... Including myself, if I someday happen to need it :P

The Fourth Blog

2009-07-09T02:32:00.000-07:00

-_____________-...

wish that this one would last longer than the others :(

I want my own domain!!!!!! I want to customize my blog just the way I want it to be, without any limitation. Huks. Wish that I have money for it T_T