Ouch

I've been hindering my parents for so many times lately. I don't call them as often, don't come back home for probably a month already, and even in my birthday yesterday, I didn't call my Mom.

Go on, call me the disobedient daughter or what, but I don't feel comfortable in talking with them. Moreover through the phone-call. I feel I've been guilty in every single thing that I do, that I never have satisfied them as a child, never have made them happy.

I know that it's not true, that they love me despite every mistake that I've done, but their way of treating me states otherwise.

Saying simple things like, "I found a new great beauty good!" would end up in me being interrogated and feeling that I have done something really-really bad. Like, "Oh my, you keep on buying, buying and buying. Your Daddy works hard for the money, you know."

Gosh.

All I want is to share something that I feel great telling about, and I want to share it with you. Not being blamed and judged. And duh... If you're not happy in seeing me using the money,  just don't give it to me, that simple. That is the main reason why I start working and earn my own money, actually. To be able to use the money without thinking would I hurt others in spending that.

Being misjudged and mistreated in such way, I gradually stop telling them things. I start doing things behind their back, things that they would never be agree about. I start care less about them. I start living on my own, away from them, just to get away from all the problems back home. I start to have thoughts on my own, thoughts that are 180 degree different with the one they taught me to think about.

I start to hate them.

Oh God, there I said it. I know I wasn't supposed to hate my own parents, and that I will never be able to 100% hate them. Yet that exactly is what I currently feel.

And yes, it has brought me to the worse self of mine, but what can I do? The culture in this place where I'm living in, forbids me to say whatever comes in mind about parents. Problem is, keeping thoughts makes me sick.

I sometimes cry long and loud in the middle of the night, thinking what would it be if I was born in a different circumstance. I know it might be not as this good, but well... I'm just wondering.

There you go. My Dad calls me again. Catch ya later.