The Leftovers

It's been... How long? Almost a year and a half now, eh? And there's no single day I passed without thinking about you, even just a bit. You have just the biggest portion in my brain and my heart.

Thank you for still being here next to me, by the way :) I love you so much that a year, two years, even for ever won't be able to make me feel enough about you.

It's been so nice, these days we passed lately. Your texting me everyday, your calling me if you don't have the time to text, your sharing your dreams and ambitions and plans to me, your doing things just to make me happy, your worrying me if I'm not replying your texts, your asking my friend about my whereabouts, your accompanying me whenever you have the chance to... Those actions are lovely. I can feel your love and compassion, and I'm really glad that I have the chance to have the experience.

Even though so, being a paranoid, I still can't believe that you really do love me. I wanted to believe it, really. Disbelieves create misunderstandings, and you know that I never ever want to have a fight with you.

But the fact that you have no feelings for me throughout the first year of our togetherness, that just ruin my whole heart. It's been too long, the time that I spent to cheer myself by saying that it's OK if you dont love me; that true love never asks for anything in return. It's been too often, my heart got broken, healed by those cheer-up words, just to be broken again eventually. And it's been too loose, the tied bounds between us two, since I've been trying to make my heart able to let you go, since a real long time...

It's sad, you know. 1,5 years we're together, and for a whole year I just have the feeling for myself. I felt pathetic. Moreover realizing the fact that we shouldn't have been together. Our society values are against us. I feel like I'm fighting alone myself, while you, the one that I was defending hard, could just leave me anytime you want, making all my efforts useless.

It's even sadder when I realized that we've been only through the real relationship for only 6 months.

And realizing the things that you've done, that shows how you loved her, instead of me, so bad.

You were telling facts about her excitedly when I was trying to reveal myself to you.
Your face were filled with those proud expressions when you were telling me all her achievements.
You met her without even telling me just at the time you're with her, and neglecting me all day long. To be honest, this was the most painful memory I've had with you... I feel like, 'oh if she is there, I mean nothing. I'm just the Plan B. I'm the Sidekick. The Number Two.'

I wasn't try to judge you or accusing you about the mistakes you've made during our time together. It's just that I feel I am nothing to you, compared to her.

I wish you know how jealous I am towards her. I've never been jealous to people, I used to be happy with everything God has given to me; but towards her, I feel exact jealousy. The envy about the fact she could be loved by you...

So now, being a paranoid, even though now that we have a real comfortable relationship, bad thoughts starts crossing my minds freely.

You went with your highschool friends for too long without any texts or news, I'd think that she's there with you. That it must be the reason why you're neglecting me all day long.
She wrote something on your FB Wall, I'd think that you both must've been secretly texting each other or someway communicating behind my back.

And just now, just now that I saw Romy Rafael's Master Hypnotist On The Street (the episode shows about someone being hypnotized to think of a guy on the street as his GF. He said that the man was his GF, and he didn't even recognized his real GF. He kept mentioning the GF's name while pointing at the man), I started to think what'll happen if it were us.

You'd be mentioning her name, and not mine, to the guy.
You'd say things you like about her, and not me.
You'd say that you've been together for 5 years, instead of a year and a half.
And I'd just be there, standing shamefully, feeling hurt, and crying secretly so that crowds won't see me.

God, I'm such a paranoid.

That's just how scared I am of losing you. So selfish indeed, even scary probably, for you. It was just like I'm the one described by Dewa 19's vidclip of Bukan Cinta Manusia Biasa. A stalker.

Can't say any more words.